Thursday, May 10, 2012

hello stranger

would love to cut their strings
and see them fly away
It has been over a year and four months since i last wrote anything down for this blog. It should be mentioned that in lieu of writing here, i have been keeping myself plenty busy with working, playing, laughing, working, driving, and more working. Recently i've been able to reconfigure my schedule so that i can afford to do what i want to do again: meet more people, have more adventures, be outside more. In essence, the exact opposite of what i've been doing for the past year and a half.

i am juggling two jobs and real life.

One job is full of adult conversation and email troubleshooting and password troubleshooting, and some sales. OH, and a WHOLE lot of sarcasm. It is a retail job, and i am thankful for the lessons i am learning and have learned there, and especially for the friendships and connections that i have made since i began there in September 2010. It is an all-consuming job, with its fair share of ups and downs, and plenty of strangers, but not a lot of depth with them.

tangible letters
The other job is full of ABC's, 123's, animal sounds, reading the same books over and over again. Oh, and Taylor Swift. More Taylor Swift than any grown 27 year old woman should ever admit to singing/reciting/rehearsing. i am thankful for this job and the rewards of motherhood without the permanence of having my own kids yet. i love that i get to be there for the happy moments in a toddler's life and a 7 year old's too. It is nice to be needed, to be the one who kisses the skinned knee, to be the one who helps them softly pet a beetle on a branch in the woods, to be hugged with sticky hands and messy faces. It is a treat to be a part of someone else's childhood.

Yet, i have felt part of my soul fall to the wayside as i take on the demanding roles in both of these jobs. Over time i have gotten exhausted with asking questions about emails or poopy diapers. i have started to glaze over when i meet someone new. i think to myself: Will they ask me to help them with their iDevice? Will this child be full if we only eat a little before nap and a little after? i have stopped looking for the bigger story that is going on in my life and in the lives of those people that i meet.

i think that it is because of this exhaustion, that my interest in strangers hits a peak and i come across like a dehydrated person in the desert. In my head i think to myself "SOMEONE NEW!!!!!" and promptly come on too pushy and too strong to someone who has never had more than a 5 minute conversation with me. Or in the opposite direction, when i do have down time, or when i am alone, i withdraw. i spend the afternoon in my home with the curtains blocking out the world and i sleep, or i languish in front of my internet distractions.

So, as i re-gear my life and attempt to focus on sitting in coffeeshops to people watch, and being outside to reflect on life and all of nature's beautiful things, i want to thank You (universally) in advance for the life lessons and laughter that we are embarking for. i am resolving to be a better friend, invest deeper in the people who invest in me, and to make a difference instead of coming up short. There is always hope for change, for maturity, for growth.

it's a brand new day.